RANT: the way some people talk

its spelled 'ask' not 'aks' or 'axe'. when you ASK someone something, you are posing a question. when you AXE something, you are chopping it up. and if you AKS something, you are a moron and should ASK to be beaten upside the head with the blunt side of an AXE.

etc. is short for Et Cetera, which is latin for 'and so on and so forth'. ekcetera, or ecsetera, or however you think its spelled is gibberish. stop trying to sound intelligent. i thought you were more intelligent before i knew you didnt know how to pronounce et cetera.

calling them PIN Number and ATM Machine is wrong. if you dont know why you deserve a swift kick to the crotch, preferably from someone wearing steel-toed boots.

i'm sure i'll add more when i hear more idiocy, but that is all for now

malik the ninja mouse - "the showdown"

he had misunderestimated his adversaries. maybe he was getting soft. having learned their routines had caused malik to drop his guard. he didnt actually expect any of them to clean. all of the recon hideouts in the gamer's lair were uprooted when he vaccuumed, leaving malik practically defenseless. malik couldnt help but yell as he dove to safety, just barely dodging the wrath of the dustbuster from hell. he was made. the gamer got pasty and twig to help him blockade his room, trapping the ninja mouse. too bad they were to slow to figure out that malik had dug more hideouts in the walls and floors. he had stored sustinance in each hideout for just an occassion. "so its going to be a seige, eh?" malik thought to himself, "lets see how long your little minds can handle it" malik knew that it would be only a matter of minutes before they would lose interest. he had timed their attention spans during initial recon, which maxed out at about 5 minutes. they were watching tv now in the other room. malik could make his move. but something was wrong... malik was feeling ill. "what's happening to me?" malik whispered to himself. his arms and legs began to twitch uncontrollably. his mouth started to foam... green. "green? oh shit!!!" he realized that the 'treat' that he had found earlier that day, and subsequently stored in the hideout was not a sour apple starburst at all... it was poison. will the ninja mouse pull through? or will he die a terrible, terrible death? what else is in store for our hero and his adversaries? tune in to the next episode: "the aftermath"

sake, sake, sake, bomb!

at 9pm saturday night:
~120 cans/bottles of beer
~4 bottles of sake
50 pairs of new wooden chopsticks
1 red table cloth
100 clean plastic cups
2 rolls of clean paper towels

8 hours and dozens of inhebriated guests later:
~150 empty beer cans/bottles
~5 empty sake bottles
50 pairs of beer/sake soaked chopsticks
a giant red dot
maybe 10 clean cups
no paper towels
1 beer/sake soaked carpet
1 wall with giant boot scuff
1 closet with giant crack
1 broken pint glass
4 adult men spooning on the futon
and one person (im still not sure who) sleeping on the floor, apparently trying to absorb the last of the beer

someone should make this post into a mastercard commercial.

RANT: elevator etiquette

EDIT: although sunoose (whoever the fuck she is) has been somewhat of a nuisance, she does have a point. i should have specified that this rant was about the elevator at my office. hence, theoretically, no one who is dying or need of medical attention should be trying to go to work.

all i ask are these 6 simple guidelines to follow:

1. if the elevator is crowded and you are in front of the door, you should exit the elevator to let people out. in fact you should do this before anyone has to ask. you know it’s a crowded elevator, and you know that someone is getting off. don’t try to make about a foot of space for me to try to cram past you. i, nor anyone else in the elevator wants to get better whiff of your BO.

2. once again, in the crowded elevator, if your floor is coming up, don’t try to squeeze past everyone before the doors open. there’s no where for us to go. and again we have the issue of your rank BO.

3. again, in the crowded elevator, if you need to hit the button to your floor, don’t just push your arm through to the button. um, hello? BO, remember? also, I would be more than happy to do it for you if you asked nicely. i would even almost excuse the BO if you said ‘excuse me’ as you squirm around while trying to hit your floor’s button.

4. if you’re on the floor that we do this little ‘crowded elevator dance,’ and someone is courteous enough to get off to let others by, let the kind man/woman back on before you try to get on, you fucking savages.

5. walking into the building, if you see an elevator in your elevator bank closing, let it go. chances are that the people who got on the elevator when it first arrived have been waiting for quite sometime because of jackasses like you, who feel you need to catch the elevator that was about to leave, keep showing up. if you’re that much in a hurry or are late, its your own damn fault, own up to it, and realize that being another 2 minutes late isn’t going to kill you.

6. get off the damn cell phone, asshole.

malik the ninja mouse - "the exterminator"

they call him 'the exterminator'. malik figured it was only fitting to go up against a fellow professional. besides, finishing off the three chumps was going to be a walk in the park. now, at least, he had somewhat of a challenge. or so he thought. the exterminator had come and gone, only leaving traps in areas where malik had left his trade mark. malik wasn't even in the building when this all went down. he was at the corner bodega, getting some smokes. when he returned, he realized what had happend. "what the hell?" he wondered. "this is the best you could do? a stupid mouse trap?!?" he yelled out indignantly. he knew it was no use. these neanderthals probably have limited communication skills. malik had only seen a few sparks of intelligence from the targets. most of the communication between the three seemed to consist of swearing and occassional flatulence. so malik figured he would have to put it into terms that they would understand... "DONT FUCK WITH THE NINJA MOUSE" malik said repeatedly as he went into action. he went to the first shelf in the kitchen... then the second... and finally the dining table. the next morning, malik came out of his ninja lair to find one of the thugs standing kitchen. it was the tall, pasty looking one, although today, he was even paler. "hey! come out here!" he said in a high-pitched, almost girly, voice. his smaller allies came out of their rooms, wondering what was going on. "dude, its everywhere..." he said. "what?" they replied in unison. "the mouse crap... i think we've been fucking with the wrong mouse..." pasty said as he began to wet himself. malik smiled. he knew that even if he did walk up to them and give them the finger, it wouldn't have had the same effect as this. "thats right" he thought "now you know who you're screwing with..." what else is in store for our hero and his adversaries? tune in to the next episode: "the showdown"